Seven Years Difference

Oh hai.

Hold onto your butts, grab a cuppa and a snack, this blog post is a long'un.

If you would of asked me back in 2010 "Hey Laura where do you see yourself in seven years time?" my life would be completly different to what it is now had I'd stuck at what I said. I was quite naive back when I was 15, I still am now a little bit, but just going into my last year at school, choosing a college course and then having my whole life in front of me to do whatever I wanted, I thought I could take on the world, however, life doesn't always go to plan now does it? With the question just asked, I would have told you that I wanted to be either a midwife, or a game designer, have a steady job, maybe even married, with kids and my own house, bearing in mind I'm only 22 now, soon to be 23,  But life doesn't always go to plan now does it?

During my last years of school and through college I suffered alot with Depression and anxiety which in the long run took a toll on my attendence and final grades. Everyday was worse than the next, I found it difficult to get out of bed, I battled with myself and with my demons and with the way I looked because of constant bullying through out high school and I just didn't see the point of living anymore. I found it exhausting having my flaws pointed out to me everyday. I used to think to myself, What's the point of any of this, what good is this going to do for me in the long run? And I didn't seek help at the time which resulted in me trying to end my life and a battle with self harm. In all honesty, I'm still suprised to this day that I actually managed to finish my college course and pass. Just. (I ended up studying ICT for four years after the game design course I wanted to do at another college was an hours travel away every day).

Image found here

I then thought it would be a good idea to go to University. Although I didn't have the best grades, I applied anyway and managed to get two offers, Supringly. I thought to myself, great, this will be a fresh start for me, new friends, new life, new everything. I was so wrong. I applied to do a Game Design course but because I didn't get the grades needed to get onto the course at the time they offered me to do a foundation course first, just to get up to speed with everything for the next year, of course I didn't mind this, I thought great just modelling and animating for the next year, but again, wrong. The course was nothing that I thought it would be, I was doing something different everyday, if we weren't sketching fruit, we were taking photographs of still life or painting,I enjoyed it to begin with but then started to hate it. And getting up at 5am everyday, seven days a week started to take it's toll. (I worked part time in a store cooking bakery goods in the mornings, fun right?) I would travel via train to uni which took almost two hours sometimes only to be told that our lecture was cancelled or to be told that our lecturer was sick - this was a reccuring theme and it made me hate the course. Just incase you're wondering "Well hey Laura, why didn't you stay in uni halls? Wouldn't have that been easier?" - No it wouldn't have, it was just over two thousand pounds cheaper to live at home and travel every day then live at the actual uni itself which I personally thought was ridiculous.  I could feel myself slipping back into Depression and getting to the point where I wanted to take my own life, so before the end of the semester, about six weeks before I dropped out. I couldn't do it anymore, I was doing a course I resented more than enjoyed and I knew I couldn't live like this anymore. I'll tell you now though, when I walked out that building for the last time, a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I then spent the next few years going from job to job trying to find something I'd enjoy doing, something we all do I think. But from leaving uni and going straight into the real world was a bit of a kick in the teeth for me. I was a 'proper' adult, I was in debt up to my eyeballs and I had no idea what I was doing. I still have no idea what I'm doing now, I'm just winging it. We all do, then just do what works best for us. 

My then stepdad decided that he'd had enough with us all (That's what it felt like to me) and broke us as a family when he left. It broke me, not only had I lost my biological dad but now I've lost my stepdad too? I felt like I'd just started to trust him and get comfortable enough to actually call him dad but after what he did to my mum I don't think I could ever trust him again, and honestly, I've only heard from a couple of times since he left a few years ago. I felt like I was starting to crumble again mentally, I was having anxiety attacks for stupid reasons, taking time off work for migraines because of stress and the urge to self harm again started to come back. But then I then started working at a store where I found my now current boyfriend (or partner as he likes to call me) and in a way, he saved me. Previous relationships that I've been in have been nothing but awful, looking back, a few good times but the negatives always outweighed the positives. Jamie taught me how to love myself and that I/we could talk about anything. Literally EVERYTHING. Finding someone who you can talk to about anything and everything and feel comfortable with is something I've longed for and now I finally have that. I think in a way, we both saved each other. Sure, we have 'petty' arguements, what couples don't argue every now and then? And we end up not talking to each other for a couple of hours but we always manage to go back how we were the previous day, happy. 

If I had stayed in that course and carried on with being unhappy and working in a shit job I can honestly say I don't think I'd be sat here writing this blog post and as selfish as that sounds, the internal pain I was dealing with most days just got unbareable. 

Now though, I work in an office, with a job I relativley enjoy, I have an NVQ in Retail skills at Intermediate level (After being told by a previous manager in a job I loved that I wasn't  a "People person" - By the way, if they're reading this right now, you're the biggest douche on the planet, sorry not sorry). I'm still pretty shit with money and debt kinda things but I like to think I'm getting there, slowly but surely, after never been taught how to 'handle' money properly I feel like this is a big step for me. I'm one of those people who use the "You can't take it with you excuse".  I'm now on meds for my anxiety which makes me feel 99.9% better. And I still live at home with my mum, no car, no kids. And I kinda wouldn't have it any other way right now. Life has a wierd way of working out in the end, things take time, people need to heal but it get's better, I promise. 

Image taken from here

To anyone who reads this post and suffers with a mental and/or physicall disorder, please, do not suffer in silence. Tell a teacher, or a friend, councillor, doctor, heck, email me and i'll try and help best I can, but the worst thing you can do is suffer in silence. No one will think any less of you for trying to get help, asking for help is the bravest thing you can ever do. 
 Remeber, You are kind, you are smart, you are important.

Image taken from here


No comments