Mentally Unstable(ish)

oh hai,

So it's been a long time. huh? I'm sitting at my computer in complete darkness contemplating if I should even write on here, or if I should keep my blog in the dark; It's been so long since I've written something, I feel like anyone who ever read this would have forgotten about me. I feel like that alot lately, like what's the point of doing anything? I've been made reduntant twice this year, cheated on once, lied to more times than I can count on my fingers. I'm sick of the drama, I hate confrontation, I just want a simple life, y'know? I honestly don't know what goes through some peoples heads sometimes - I turn 23 in two weeks, you'd think I'd have some aspect of my life sorted by now, like a secured job, my own place, stability with my mental health. I look at other people my age and they seem so content with their lives and I'm here questioning mine. What can I do to make mine any better? Is there anything I can do? Will I ever get out of this rutt? I feel like I'm on a train thats just stopped and doesn't feel like it's going to start going ever, at least any time soon. I feel like my anxiety holds me back doing things I want to do, as well as my non-exsisting self confidence. i want to make friends but I can't, I want to be good at something I can work towards but what's the point if I don't already have the skills to do that thing? I want to make my life worth something, but what? 

Image found here

My head is contantly going through senarios that I could be doing but at the same time I'm telling myself I can't do them. What's the point of trying if I know I'm going to fail? I know people say trial and error is something when trying new things but I'm scared of failing truth be told. I've lost so many things already I don't want to loose anything else, at least if I don't have/try for anything, I have nothing to loose right? I know I shouldn't but I judge and compare myself to others who look like they have it so much better than I do and think why can't I be like them? What can I do to be like them? But then I think why? Why should I be like them? That's just me being fake. Why would anyone like a fake person? But sometimes I feel like I would like the fake me more, even if other people wouldn't. It's hard to explain. I've lost my train of thought.. 

Looking back when I was 18ish I had my life pretty much planned out - uni, get a stable job, save up to move out, settle down. I guess that's what everyone wants though at that age. Instead I drop out of uni due to depression, I was at my witts end, travelling 3 hours a day, waking up at 4am, for a one hour lesson was killing me enough as well as doing a course I hated, I was on the verge of killing myself at that point until one day I decided I couldn't do it anymore and dropped out. I don't regret dropping out, but if I ever got the chance to go back to uni again I would, just got to sort out the student finance I owe (which, might I add, is lovely to deal with when you're unemployed). As for the job thing, the less said about that the better. I had a job I really enjoyed, until I went on holiday, got extremely ill and was eventually laid off for "Not being a people person". And the move out thing speaks for itself I guess. No job + no money = not being able to move out. I can barely afford my rent now, as well for other bills, which puts more stress on myself which makes me feel even worse. I'm currently processing a DRO (Debt Relief Order) which, if you've gone through it personally, is anything but lovely. 

I don't really know where I'm going with this, I just feel like having my problems written down for the world to see makes me feel better, in a stupid, weird sense. I mean, I'm trying really hard to sort out my mental health, not taking medication, but through therapy so we'll see how well that goes before I feel like a mental person again (which was the exact reason I came off them in the first place, ahaha - not a good reason, but it's my reason). 

But yeah, here's hoping that this blog will be a little bit more busy in the future right?