5am Thoughts

Oh hai,

I know what you're thinking "Laura, why aren't you in bed" well believe it or not my lovelies, I've already been to sleep.. If 3 four hour naps count as sleep, so now I'm up at stupid o'clock wondering what to do with myself, do I go back to bed and stare at the ceiling, or continue writing or think about things that are beyond my controll right now, who knows? I'm actually typing this on my phone right now, yay for blogger mobile. I was actually thinking of making some goals for things I want to achieve whilst being 23 so here it goes:

Things I want to achieve whilst 23:

Drop to a size 18 (ha!)
✴ Go abroad
Have at least two driving lessons
✴ Sort my finances out

Doable? Maybe, here's hoping through my year of trying to be an actual 'adult' I can stick to at least one thing. I guess we'll find out in a blog post next year? 

Papa 76 Steals PoTG

Gonna start documenting some Play of the games I get on Overwatch because I decided my gaming side of my blog needs more TLC. Enjoy.

Mentally Unstable(ish)

oh hai,

So it's been a long time. huh? I'm sitting at my computer in complete darkness contemplating if I should even write on here, or if I should keep my blog in the dark; It's been so long since I've written something, I feel like anyone who ever read this would have forgotten about me. I feel like that alot lately, like what's the point of doing anything? I've been made reduntant twice this year, cheated on once, lied to more times than I can count on my fingers. I'm sick of the drama, I hate confrontation, I just want a simple life, y'know? I honestly don't know what goes through some peoples heads sometimes - I turn 23 in two weeks, you'd think I'd have some aspect of my life sorted by now, like a secured job, my own place, stability with my mental health. I look at other people my age and they seem so content with their lives and I'm here questioning mine. What can I do to make mine any better? Is there anything I can do? Will I ever get out of this rutt? I feel like I'm on a train thats just stopped and doesn't feel like it's going to start going ever, at least any time soon. I feel like my anxiety holds me back doing things I want to do, as well as my non-exsisting self confidence. i want to make friends but I can't, I want to be good at something I can work towards but what's the point if I don't already have the skills to do that thing? I want to make my life worth something, but what? 

Image found here

My head is contantly going through senarios that I could be doing but at the same time I'm telling myself I can't do them. What's the point of trying if I know I'm going to fail? I know people say trial and error is something when trying new things but I'm scared of failing truth be told. I've lost so many things already I don't want to loose anything else, at least if I don't have/try for anything, I have nothing to loose right? I know I shouldn't but I judge and compare myself to others who look like they have it so much better than I do and think why can't I be like them? What can I do to be like them? But then I think why? Why should I be like them? That's just me being fake. Why would anyone like a fake person? But sometimes I feel like I would like the fake me more, even if other people wouldn't. It's hard to explain. I've lost my train of thought.. 

Looking back when I was 18ish I had my life pretty much planned out - uni, get a stable job, save up to move out, settle down. I guess that's what everyone wants though at that age. Instead I drop out of uni due to depression, I was at my witts end, travelling 3 hours a day, waking up at 4am, for a one hour lesson was killing me enough as well as doing a course I hated, I was on the verge of killing myself at that point until one day I decided I couldn't do it anymore and dropped out. I don't regret dropping out, but if I ever got the chance to go back to uni again I would, just got to sort out the student finance I owe (which, might I add, is lovely to deal with when you're unemployed). As for the job thing, the less said about that the better. I had a job I really enjoyed, until I went on holiday, got extremely ill and was eventually laid off for "Not being a people person". And the move out thing speaks for itself I guess. No job + no money = not being able to move out. I can barely afford my rent now, as well for other bills, which puts more stress on myself which makes me feel even worse. I'm currently processing a DRO (Debt Relief Order) which, if you've gone through it personally, is anything but lovely. 

I don't really know where I'm going with this, I just feel like having my problems written down for the world to see makes me feel better, in a stupid, weird sense. I mean, I'm trying really hard to sort out my mental health, not taking medication, but through therapy so we'll see how well that goes before I feel like a mental person again (which was the exact reason I came off them in the first place, ahaha - not a good reason, but it's my reason). 

But yeah, here's hoping that this blog will be a little bit more busy in the future right?