My Mistakes Do Not Define Me

I wont lie to you guys, I have said and done some things in the past that I now deeply regret. The past few hours, I've beaten myself up over it, going over the "what ifs" and the "how life would be nows". I'm the type of person who hates drama. I hate it, anything that involved confrontation is literally my worst nightmare, yet, in some situations, I find myself elbows deep in drama, still sinking and not meaning to in the first place. 

So here's the most important question of them all; "What am I going to do about it?" - Surely Laura, (an almost fully grown adult), is able to sort out even the most complex situation in her head to give herself some peace. And yeah, I did think about it for a bit, and then decided the best cause of action would be to write it in this here blog post, for this little corner of the internet to see. Because, and this will shock you, I'm only human, we all are, and we all make mistakes and do things we regret, myself included, but there is no point dwelling on what could have been, when all is said and done. 

And here's a shocker; I am far from perfect. And I don't think I've ever claimed to be either as a matter a fact, I don't think I would be a fully functioning human if I were to be. And yes, sometimes I let my emotions get the better of me, as much as I try and not let them; and I do things I regret, but there is no point dwelling on the past when you can be thinking on how to create and shape your future. 

I have never wanted so badly to leave the past in the past, yet, because of my own doings something and someone is always there to bring it back to present day. A constant reminder of a "What if" situation always manages to worm its way back into my life, and i'll be honest I am so looking foward to the new year, where I can put this what if behind me for good and start again. 

At the beginning of 2017, I made my new years resolutions, like we all do, and I haven't stuck to any of them. However, I did vow that I would finally take into my own hands, the severity of my mental health and how it's effected not only myself but also the people around me. Baby steps to begin with, but sometimes it's the small steps that make a huge difference.

Like I've said, I can't be 'perfect' all the time. Who would I be if I was? If you know someone who claims to be perfect all the time, never admits their mistakes, never lies - don't believe them. Everyone makes mistakes, some more than others, I know this, but if we never made any mistakes we would have nothing to learn from and shape ourselves into the people we will soon be. Regret things and vow never to do them again, make mistakes, cry until your cheeks are burning. Everyone has to crumble at least once so you can bounce back up as a stronger and better you. 

I'll be honest, some of the actions I've done this year I have no explanation for. If you think you know me, you most likely don't, I'm still trying to figure that out for myself. But my mistakes and actions do not define who I am as a person. I refuse to let anyone lead me to think that because of the actions I have taken in the past define who I am now. 

I am brave enough to sit here and admit my mistakes. Look back on the past and realise that yeah, that really probably was a stupid fucking idea to do this and that, but I did it anyway. But, I can look back now and realise why I messed up, and what I can do to (hopefully) not do that again in the future. But hey, here's to new beginnings. 

Despite all of my mistakes, I finally want to fully embrace who I am, because at the end of the day, I'm human, and proud of not claiming otherwise.