January Feelings

Holy moly, it's the end of January already, a new month, a new start, new days to achieve something, or ultimatly, spend the whole month in bed; I wouldn't put this idea past myself. If I'm honest, I feel like this month has gone way too quickly..

January for me is usually quite miserable, doubting my exsistance, generally feeling like shit after getting the whole 'new year new me' crap into my head, and ultimatly not going through with it, again, but this year has been somewhat different. Sure, I'm not feeling 100% sunshine and rainbows but I met someone amazing, and we finally became 'a thing' at the beginning of January which obviously made the start of my year 99.8% better than it was last year. I wont lie, last year I went into 2017 miserable as fuck, I wasn't happy with myself, the situation I was in, but now, I feel like a totally different person, and I'm okay with this. 

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I want to be more spontanious this year, say yes to more things, not worry about how much it may or may not cost, just have a fuck it year, not care about the consequences (y'know, unless I'll end up in prison, maybe that'll be the limit) do more things that scare me like driving and travelling to over populated areas and eat whatever the fuck I want and not care what people think. Live life on the edge. (If I'm honest, my version of 'live life on the edge' right now, is ordering spicy chicken instead of just normal). 

I guess I'm just rambling here but what I'm trying to say is I'd like to come out of my shell a bit more, I'm 23 and I'm not getting any younger, thinking back to my 16 year old self, I thought by now I would be married and have my own place, etc, but life has a funny way of working stuff out for you in the end, I'll get there, slowly but surely. Here's to more adventures and growing into a (anti) social butterfly!





This Is A Sad Post

 So as I sit here, post shower, pretty much naked and feeling sorry for myself, I thought I'd write myself a little posty post. 
Really not feeling myself at all today. I'm not really sure why, I just feel a little bit broken. 

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I think I'm just having one of those days where everything is shitty, you have no motivation to do anything; All you want to do is stay in bed, binge on fried chicken and cry whilst watching Love Actually.. Can anyone else relate? 

I feel like I'm stuck in a rutt, part of this year already has been lovely, but my current outlook for the rest of the year looks so bleak to me - Still unemployed, still no motivation to get off my butt, still little to no social life, It's getting to the point where it's more than depressing, it's draining - Relying on a job and money for my own happyness/sanity, how sad is that? 

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Sorry, don't mind me, just headbutting my keyboard, wondering when i'll eventually be employed by someone.

Like I said, writting today off, tomorrow will be better.

Toodlepip x




2017 Can Eff Off

I thought it was about time to make a 'new year new me' kind of post for 2018, but as I sit here staring at a blank page thinking of all shit I personally went through last year I can honestly say 2017 can fuck off forever. The past three or so years have been nothing but an emotional rollercoaster and I'm ready to get off. 
It's the beginning (well, middle of) a fresh year and I find it always the best time to reflect on the year that's past; celebrating lovely moments and learning from the not so lovely ones, and let me tell you, there has been more not so lovely moments, than actual lovely ones, but this year, I'd like to change that.

I've decided I need to 'de-clutter' myself, my life, possibly my personality too? - I need to stop being such a push over, basically, rejuvenate myself if you will. I let people walk all over me, just because it's easier that way, I let them get their way, and then move on, seeing that person happy, and leaving me feeling like shit. It's kind of sad to see that written down and reading it back to myself but it's true. I feel like in the past few years I've given out so much to people and recieved next to nothing in return -  Anyone who truely knows me, knows I absolutly hate confrontation, and i'll do anything not to get myself into any sort of situation which involves any of the sort, and I mainly think this is why I get myself into so many shitty situations because I'd rather hide from them than face them, and whilst it's a scary thought to face up to your fears, your bullies, your fake friends, surely in the long run your life would be so much better for it? 

Which is why I've choosen 2018 to be my 'Take no bullshit' year. Cutting the bullshit from my life completly (almost). How's it going so far? Not good, but not bad either. I've started to cut ties with people who I feel are no longer good for me mentally, and whilst it hurts to do that to both parties (I'd like to think) I know that in the long run it will be better. I'm trying to surround myself with more positive people, tyring to get out and do more things. Keep myself busy whilst still looking for work (I've been out of work for a year now and it's literally the most depressing thing ever, to anyone who reads this and is hiring feel free to email me okay? Cheeky? Yes, do I regret that? No.) I even met someone last year who has been nothing but amazing to me, and he makes me feel all nice and tingly and I'd like to think I do the same for him.  

I want to do more things that scare me, challenge me, require me to actually get out of bed. Y'know, be an actual functioning human for once in my life, that kind of thing. I feel like this year i'll learn more about myself and who I am as a person than I ever have before and I think that's what I'm most afraid of. Everyone strives to be that person who has all their shit together. And if you're already that person, good on you, I'm getting their myself, slowly but surely. And hopefully this time next year, when I re-read this post, I'll almost be a completly different person, in a good way, obviously. 

For now though, there's no way I'm giving up my coffee addiction, I'm about to make my seventh cup today, I mean, hey, at least I'm showered, out of bed and sort of dressed, so that's an achievement itself, right? What did you achieve today? Lemme know in the comments!

Toodlepip