Brain Dump

Oh hai, 
I'm not really sure where i'll be going with this post so you'll have to bare with me - I've had a lot of things on my mind lately that I feel would be written down. I'm not even sure if i'll publish this but we'll see. 

For about a week now I've felt my anxiety creep up on me again and I'm not sure why, I have nothing to worry about, nothing to stress about, I feel like my brain is just out of wack right now. I've been forcing myself to go to work, all I want to do is stay in bed and cry. I'll sleep for hours on end then stay up till stupid o'clock in the morning. I'm not eating properly, trying to eat breakfast regularly has gone out the window then when I do eat it's in large quantities and late at night. Then I feel like crap for eating, so i'll eat more to feel better and so the vicious cycle continues. I don't know how to break it. I can't go out for walks or barely put any pressure on my leg because it will just swell up and i'll be in agony. I've thought about getting a swim membership but I can barely afford that on apprenticeship wages, I can just about afford rent and my phone bill. I feel like all my stresses and anxieties are towards money sometimes but I have nothing to worry about in that retrospect anymore so then I go on to think what else it could be. 

I have little to no self worth or confidence right now either. I used to get up in the morning and put make-up on to make myself socially acceptable, now I'm lucky if I even put on mascara. I know make-up isn't the be all and end all when it comes to stuff like this but even I thought that was out of character for me. I feel like I'm doing bad in my job and no one really wants me there because I basically do nothing. I'm barely trained to do anything and anything I do get to do I feel like I'm doing it wrong and then it's worrying over getting in trouble. I've had four sicknesses in two months too so that's another worry swirling around in my head like "oh gosh please don't fire me". 

I'm also getting to feeling guilty for every little thing I do. "Oh you wanna have friends over? Well that's not fair on the people you live with", or "Oh you wanna go away for a bit next month? But i'll be alone". Like, it's not fair, I want to have a life to but I feel like I can't because my brain stops me from doing the things I want to do. I want to go back to the gym but feel like I can't and that my leg will stop me, any progress I did have with the gym is just gone, so what's the point of going back, I might as well just stay the way I am forever. 

All in all, my self worth and self confidence is at an all time low. I feel my anxiety crawling back and I can't pinpoint why. All I want to do is nap and cry. 

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Bright side to all this, I'm not doing nothing about it. I have a therapy session amongst other things coming up so I shall let you all know how that goes next week.


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